“What’s all this fuss…

“What’s all this fuss about gay marriage? I say let’em get hitched and be miserable like normal people.”



“I never worry too much …

“I never worry too much about tomorrow, cause I’ll probably be drunk.”

Lanetta Tapscott




Fans…Lanetta is a little hot under her house coat at the moment and its not cause of them hot flashes she’s been experiencin as of late. Her hormone patch is workin just fine.

Seems Lanetta’s Gorilla Blawg entry was a big ole waste of her time, cause  them idiot news reporters are now reportin that yesterday’s alleged gorilla sightin was reported by ” A CHILD” who’s no doubt been chewin on a lead painted window seal the better part of his life, since he aint got the good sense to know if it was a gorilla he spotted in the woods or not.

Lanetta has also learned that some other fool idiot verified this gorilla sightin, but now says, it might have been a bear he spotted instead.

Did you stupid people never take the time to thumb through a National Gegraphics to learn the difference between a gorilla and a bear? Hell…even Lanetta can decipher which is which and she ain’t ever seen the insides of a National Gegraphicss…except that time Skeeter Beleau made her look at that nakid African people issue, cause he ain’t never seen no one nakid before and wanted me to verify that what he was seeing was accurate.

LISTEN UP FOLKS…we are in crisis mode here! Lanetta thinks its time we pour our tax dollars into some animal identification classes for stupid people. Them highways and schools can wait, cause Lanetta done strained her back last night when she pushed her couch up against the trailer door in hopes of discouraging gorilla entry.

All I got’s to say is…them Hale County people better hope that Lanetta don’t file no law suit for undo gorilla stress and injury, cause anyone of them judges that commercialize on the TV would be more than happy to represent her person in a court of law…and they won’t even take no money unless I win my gorilla case.

Folks…Lanetta ain’t just whistlin Dixie. I got a drawer full of neck braces and collapsable canes and you’d better believe me…this won’t be Lanetta’s first time relyin on the  court systems for some justice and money. How else do you idiots think Lanetta afforded that bove ground pool behind her trailer? Speakin of which, its about time I had a good rear endin in the Chrysler, cause Lanetta needs to add some deckin around that bove ground pool.

Anyhoo…I want everybody to stop what they’s doin right this very minute and go fetch your Funk and Wagnor dictionary. Once you done got the correct resources, I want you to look in your G’s for GORILLA…then I want you to look in your B’s for BEAR and then I want you to…STOP BEIN STUPID!  This ain’t rocket science people!

WRITE IT DOWN! If that animal’s got a banana in his mouth, its most likely a GORILLA. If he’s got a trout in his mouth, it’s most likely a BEAR.

But be  A-ware dumb people. When conductin your research, best stick to the Funk and Wagnor books, cause when Lanetta tried to use her computer machine and went to Google’n the BEAR word…LAWD!  She had a sightin of her own that she won’t soon forgit. No wonder we’s all confused about our sightins.

Listen up folks…Lanetta don’t know how much more of this gorilla mess she can take. She’s down in the back, has a plaid couch blockin her front door and is trapped  inside her trailer…all because of some dumb monkey that never did exist in the first place.

I guess all you Hale County people will think twice before you go to “CRYIN GORILLA” next time,  cause this weeks imaginary gorilla’s gonna cost you big.

Now…if  you will kindly excuse Lanetta, she is going to take her a couple of buffrin’s, plug in her heatin pad and then call her a TV lawyer, cause she ain’t monkey’in around.

Be Blessed,


“He said he beat me ca…

“He said he beat me cause he loved me and when I beat him back with a bat. I said it was cause I loved him more.”

Lanetta Tapscott



So last night, Lanetta’s sittin there in her Lazy-Boy chair, chasing a cold one when she hears some idiot anchor woman on the TV6 news announce that the Hale County Sheriff’s Office was searchin for at least “ONE” Gorilla on the loose and  had no idea which direction it was headed. Then the next thing that comes out of that stupid TV reporter’s mouth was something about stayin tuned to learn if brocoli makes you smarter.

Did that dummy  anchor women really just jump from an escaped gorilla announcement to broccoli talk?

Now I ask you…at that time and moment, what was Lanetta s’pose to do with this gorilla on the loose information? Was she s’pose to just sit there in her recliner,munchin on a bunch of broccoli, hopin its nutritional benefits would give her the good sense to know what to do when faced with an escaped monkey?

As my readers know, not much in this world scares Lanetta Tapscott, but she might have to make an exception to the rule when it comes to Gorilla’s runnin A-muck in her neck of the woods. It was bad enough when Leroy Sims let his pit bull run crazy in Lanetta’s trailer park, but I’m  thinkin a Gorilla on the run might create somewhat more of disturbance, than did Lucifer the pit bull.

I don’t exactly know where this afflicted Hale County, Alabama is located in relations to Lanetta’s front doorstep and I know even less about  the behaviors and habits of a stupid, stanky gorilla, but accordin to them Tarzan movies, they can cover quite a lot of territory when swinging  vine to vine which causes her a considerable amount of concern.

Thus far, the worst thing I’ve had to worry about is some prevert breaking down my front door and doin Lawd only knows what to Lanetta’s person. But just when she thinks it can’t git no worse, a missin gorilla has to go and be thrown into the equation.

Folks, I have no intention of  bein victimized by some stupid, hairy ape. If this were the case, I’d still be datin that idiot Buford Tubbs…now if you wanna talk about somebody who ain’t learned yet  to walk upright. LAWD!

Anyhoo…Lanetta has created a laundry list of questions for them leaders of Hale County, Alabama  concerning this entire primate problem and expects some answers…PRONTOE!

Firstly…WHY the hell was Hale County, lodging a Gorilla?

Secondly…HOW the hell did  Hale County mangae to lose a Gorilla?

Thirdly…IS Hale County GONNA pay for any damages this hateful Gorilla might inflict upon Lanetta’s property?

Fourthly…WILL ANTI-FREEZE do to a Gorilla what it did to Leroy Sim’s Pit Bull?

Fifthly…DID Lanetta hear correctly on her TV that AT LEAST ON GORILLA WAS MISSIN? How many dang gorillas do you got?

AND Sixthly…DOES eatin brocilli truly make you smarter…cause if it does, Lanetta is thinkin she might need to purchase a big ole crate of the stuff and have IT delivered STAT to the idiot person in Hale County, Alabama  that can’t seem to keep up with a 600 pound gorilla.

PEOPLE…Lanetta encourages all of you right this very minute to stop what you’re doin and bolt them doors and lock them windows, cause unless you have a stockpile of bananas and consider yourself one of them gorilla whisperers you might want to grab your TV guide and find you a LAW & Order marathon to occupy your time until this Gorilla situation has done passed over.

And one final word to Hale County, Alabama. STOP BEIN STUPID! If you can’t keep tabs on a 600 pound gorilla, perhaps you need to consider trade’n in that monkey for a box of Sea Monkeys instead!

Be Blessed,








“I woke up with a comple…

“I woke up with a complete strange once, but I didn’t mind, cause he installed my ceiling fan before he left.”

Lanetta Tapscott


“I once dated a mortici…

“I once dated a mortician, but after he asked me to lay on the table and keep my mouth shut, I dumped him.”

Lanetta Tapscott


“The doctor told me to …

“The doctor told me to push real hard, so I did… Next thing I know’d, Ricky Lee shot out like a cannon and hit the wall. He ain’t been right ever since.”


“Shaving my legs is lik…

“Shaving my legs is like cutting my grass. It might not happen next week, but eventually, I’ll git around to it before the neighbors start complaining.”

Lanetta Tapscott


Are You People Try’in to Upset Lanetta?


Lanetta was CO-VINCED she’d have at least 125 thumbs ups by now on her “I LOVE LANETTA” fan page, but when she last checked her facebook’s, she had an ugly two digits staring right back at her.

Is it too much to ask you dumb people to log into your computer machines and show Lanetta some love?

You idiots must think its easy doin what I do? You try goin through stacks and stacks of mail each day readin stupid questions from stupid people.

Many days I wander why I put myself through all this mess, and the answer is always the same… if I can make just one less person stupider, then that is my mission in life and my cross to bear.

DON’T BE STUPID PEOPLE! Help Lanetta get her “I LOVE LANETTA” fan page numbers up and into them three digits.


Trust me…I WILL be checking them numbers after my “I Weigh 600 Pounds” TV show is done and over with tonight.

If Lanetta sees them dang same two digits resting next to that stupid thumbs up picture, she’s gonna be forced to change out of her duster and drive all the way down to the Texico for a 12 pack, cause they’s gonna be plenty of pain and disappointment for Lanetta to dull.

As a feetnote…I encourage everyone to check out the Weld’s latest issue that hit the news stands today. As always, they’s got some real good content inside… AND…though I‘m not one for self promotionism, you might wanna drop by page 23 and see Lanetta’s latest column in PRINT.

Perhaps my words of wisdom will apply to you and your sad pathetic life too.

Be Blessed,