Ask Lanetta A Question

22 thoughts on “Ask Lanetta A Question

  1. Dear Lanetta,

    I have been glued to the television watching the Primary Debates and I’m terrified of what I see. I can’t understand why the Republican Party can’t seem to find a suitable candidate to run in the next presidential election. I have been a Republican my entire life, but with no quality candidates to choose from, I’m seriously thinking about switching over to the “Way too Liberal” Democratic party. WWLD?
    Sincerely,

    Vexed Voter

    • Dear Vexed Voter,

      Are you kid’n me? Is this all you have time to worry about?…WHICH party you are goin to attend? Stop your Whinin and GET A LIFE! At least you got a party to go to!

      I’ve not been invited to a party in years and the ones I was invited to, I was (more times then not) asked to leave. Like that time Velma Bates invited me to her ILLEEGITIMUT baby shower and out of the goodness of my heart, I show up with a box of diapers and even still, she gets all up in my face for the simple fact that I told her she ought not have takin up with that gas station attendant (the one that caused the said pregnation). Well she starts rolling that neck and 3 snappin to the air and before I know’d it…Lanetta here has been kicked out of the illeegitimut baby shower…but not before I grabbed them box of diapers I brung.

      As for you Vexed Voter, stop watching them stupid deebates and find you a good Lifetime movie to watch. There was a real good one on the other night about that Drew Peterson who killed his wives when he got tired of’em. He suppozaly found one of’em dead in the bathtub from an “Acceedental Drownin” but there wasn’t no water in the tub. I could’ve told you right then and there that something was rotten in DensMarks. Took another wife to die before them police saw the urgencie of the sitchiation. They had to go to wife #2’s grave, exumate her remains and conduct a thurow autotopsy to conclude that she didn’t drown in a tub of no water. Geez-LoWeez! Someone’s been ride’n the short bus in that police station.

      Anyhoo, the point of the story is, it don’t matter whose party you attend OR who you vote for. The world is drownin in its on tub of no water, and from the looks of things, not even the most expert CPR’er could save us from all the nonsense that is goin on up there in the Warshington D.C.! STOP BEING STUPID! Save your gas, save your time and skip them votin poles.

      Get yourself a six-pack, grab a TV Guide and put your faith into some of them TV deepictions of real life murderers and killers. Forget all that POLITA-CIZEN stuff. I’ll bet you my best Lee jeans, that if you do, the world will seem like a much better place to live and you won’t need nobodies “PARTY” to make you feel complete.

      Be Blessed – Lanetta

      • I just wanted to tell you I love your blowg and the Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans are on sale for $14.99 at the JCPenny. They fit real nice you don’t have to worry bout showing your underware ever time you bend over. Oh, and I want to invite you to my party. You’ll have the best time and be rich beyond your wildest dreams. Have you ever heard of Amway?

    • Oh for the LOVE OF…You did not just ask me that stupid question did you? As I recall, as an A-MER- i-CAN citizen, I have the right to keep my polotican to myself. Why do you think they let you to stand behind that tacky blue curtain when you cast your vote? I’ll tell you why…so idiots like you can’t see who my canidite of choice is.

      And while were on the subject, I don’t know why they have to make them new Lejislation bills on them ballots so dang hard to understand. Them HB explonations are as long as my arm. If I wanted to read a book, I guess I would have stashed a Harlowquin Romance in my purse. Besides, I dont usually give a rats hiney hoo about what I’m votin for any way? At the end of day, I have to ask myself. “Lanetta are these HB’s truly gonna matter a hill of beans to you and your world “… and my conclusion is Hell No, cause, ever since they voted my bingo slot machine gambling Illegal” I don’t much care if they add a new access road to that howty towty Gallarier shopping mall or not.

      Oh and before I forget, why are them people trying to sale me a bunch of crap when I am walking into my dezignated votin precinkt? if I wanted a downut or a piece of coconut cake while I was votin, I guess I wold have brought my own box of Little Debbie snack cakes. How do I even know if these people keep their kitchins clean? They might be the kind of idiots who let their cats walk all over their counter tops. I once bought a brownie from some idiot raising money for a new football score board and I swear, if that wasn’t a cat hair I pulled out my mouth, then I pray to God I never will have to know what it was. I aint touched a brownie or cat since.

      Why don’t you get out of Lanetta’s grill and focus on why you need to know everybody’s votin bizness. Remember…Loose Lips Sinks Ships! METOMORIFCALIE speaking,You’d better go grab a bucket cause somethin tells Lanetta your dingy has done sprang a leek!

      Be Blessed – Lanetta

  2. Dear Lanetta,

    I was wanting to know your thoughts on Alabama’s Immigration Law? I can’t decide if this law is good or bad for our state. What are your thoughts on this matter?

    Thank you,

    Undecided on Immigration

  3. Dear Undecided on Immigration,

    Do I hear a big dose of DUMB? This immigration thing is a NO BRAINER. I don’t care if these people without papers come from Pluto.The point is…Lanetta here likes her BLTs chased with a cold beer on a frequent basis and if them foreigners ain’t retrieving them tomaters from the fields, then them tomaters are dyin on the vine, which translates into Lanetta don’t get no BLT. Get your boney head out of the toilet and pray for our tomater pickers. No pickers, no tomaters and the simple fact is, a pomenter cheese sandwich just don’t go down as easy with a Paps Blue.

    Be Blessed – Lanetta

  4. Dear Lanetta,

    I think this is an etiquette question. Sometimes, when it’s early in your grocery excursion at the Piggly Wiggly, I see somebody I know and I talk to them.We have a nice conversation. “What are you up to?” I ask. “I’m shopping for groceries!” my friend replies. “What a coincidence. I am too. It’s probably because we’re in a damn grocery, right?” And we laugh, and exchange the smallest of talks, and then part. But like, two aisles later, I see the same person again. And I have to pass them, and, since you can’t pass someone like that without acknowledging it, I have to make some silly comment about the beer I’m going to pick up later or something, but it’s over…. Until, three aisles later, I round the corner and almost run into the same damn person! And then we have to do it all over again! And it’s just awful. I mean, it ruins my damn day. Why does life have to be so full of that kind of crap?

    And how do I such miserable situations in the future?

    • Dear Perplexed in Piggly Wiggly,

      I’m thinkin that your momma let you naw on winder seal covered in lead paint when you was a toddler. The answer to your question is so obvious, you might wanna look behind yourself to make sure it didn’t fall out of your rear end.

      DON’T BE STUPID…the solution is simple. You see, what I do when I’m grocery shopping and see somebody I despize (let alone wanna talk to) is throw on a pair of my horn rimmed sunglasses, grab my collapsable blind walking stick from my purse and start staring directly a head like a deer in the headlights. I sometimes even slump over my grocery cart if I am in a drawmatic mood.

      Threw my research, I have deescovered that most folk find blind people a bit off puttin, so as long as you keep staring directly a head and tappin your blind stick at the floor in a lost sorta way, nobody will dare get near you.

      Now of course there will always be that idiot who will want to offer some help, but the trick here is to start drooling down the front of your shirt and if this don’t scare’em away, you can develope a nervous tick or start barking. BUT be four warned, you might have to resort to pulling out the hearing aids if you get some idiot that can’t read the signals.

      Trust me…Nobody should have to talk to people they hate in the produce section.

      I can ashore you, If you follow Lanetta’s teckneeks to a tea, won’t nobody be talkin to you at the Pig.

      Be Blessed – Lanetta

  5. Dear Lanetta,

    Because of Birmingham’s sewer crisis, do you think the city should file for bankruptcy or would it better if the citizens of Birmingham foot the bill. I can’t decide on this one?

    Thanks,

    Mr. On the Fence

  6. Dear Mr. On the Fence,

    You need to stop sniffing the magic markers cause you are being STUPID! Why would I want to pay on any of Birmingham’s bills?

    Did I ask Birmingham to stand in line for two hours with a money order to keep my pilot lite lit? Did I ask Birmingham to go down there to that cable company and give those idiots some cash so they would’ent enterupt my HBO? I think not. Me paying Birmingham’s bills makes about as much sense as me puttin a bowl of Alpo in in front of a dead dog. That dog ain’t never gonna have an appitite for Alpo and Lanetta ain’t never gonna have an appitite for such smack talk.

    Seems to me that our city leaders need to learn Lanetta’s teckneek for avoidin bill payin each month. For enstance…When I get a bill that I might deem as an inconvenyance, I simplee drop it in the side pocket of my lazy-boy and don’t give it another thought…that is until I git my third or fourth hate letter from the crediter. But I know from first hand experience, that it might take’em 4 or 5 more hate letters before they get fed up and come blow out my pilit lite for good.

    Another teckneek I find fell proof is…when them India collection people start calling 5 and 6 times a day asking for Lanetta Tapscott, I tell’em she is unavailable cause she went to India to pay on some bills….that really throws’em for a loop.

    I say to you Birmingham, If you can’t pay for that fancy new sewer of yours, then that is your problem. And as a feetnote…I don’t see what’s so good about that fancy new sewer any how, cause I still have to jiggle the handle every time I flush. DON’T BE STUPID! Go bankrupt like the rest of us. Lord knows I’ve done it no less than 3 times in the last 30 years and it aint hurt me none. I still got a trailer. I still got the Chrytsler LaBaron. I still got a fridge full of beer. So what’s the problem?

    And as for you Mr.Fence Fool…Get off the chain link and make better use of your time by completing that Visa appleecation that came in the mail today. It will be maxed out in no time and then you can start whin’n about somethin else stupid!

    Be Blessed – Lanetta

  7. Dear Lanetta,

    I have a problem that is embarrassing to talk about. You see, I am a 30 something year old woman and I have facial hair so badly that I am too ashamed to even go to church. I’ve tried waxing, but I had an allergic reaction to the wax and it just made my appearance worse. I can’t afford electrolysis and I hear shaving with a razor makes your beard thicker. Please Lanetta, I’m at my ropes end and need your help. Can you tell me how to resolve my problem?

    Sincerely,

    A Hairy Situation

    • Dear Hairy Sitchiation,

      How is Lanetta suppose to get her Sloppy Joe down with such disgustin talk! I had to pop another beer so as to preevent me from chokin on my own vomix.

      Sounds like you might be one of them Hermadites that is part man part woman and yer chemical dispozition is just SCREWED UP. That would explain the 5 O – CLOCK shader.

      Tell you what you do. Grab a notepad and put it on the back of yer toilet. Every time nature calls, you dockument in that notepad if you was compelt to leave the toilet seat up or compelt to leave that lid down. A day or two later, Tabulate your findins and I guarantee, you will find out real quick who wears the pants in yer house.

      And as a feetnote…Can I just say to all you Hermadites, I don’t care if you are a MAN or a WOMAN, Just pick one and STOP BEING SELFVISH and better yet, STOP BEIN STUPID!

      Be Blessed – Lanetta

  8. Dear Lanetta-

    I guess it has to get cold in the South sometimes. So, what am I supposed to wear on that chilly walk from the locker room to the bubble over the pool at the YMCA? They want you to shower before you get in the pool but then you gotta walk outside? And I don’t want to look stupid. Help.

    Sincerely,

    Frosty in Trussville

    • Dear Frosty in Trussville,

      Thanks to your dumb question, Lanetta has a big ole shiver running down her back just thinking about your pasty self walking around half nekid in a public forem.

      For starters…STOP BEING STUPID and quit walkin around with your nekid self. If there is one thing Lanetta hates, it’s goin to the jimnasym and having to look at ugly nekid people. AND let me ask you…why is it always the ugly people who walk around the locker room exposin parts that only doctors and bad Friday night hook ups should have to witness. That mirrer in your baferoom aint a fun house mirrer. Sweetie…you ugly nekid people really do look like a big ole tube of Crest tooth paste squeezed from the bottom up…A sticky bloated mess!

      Lanetta has somethin else to add to this already disgustin subject matter. Please all you ugly people refrain from comin up and talkin to me while your standin there butt nekid. I don’t won’t to see your nasties while you gum off about your sad paythetic life. If you are nekid, then keep on walking, cause Lanetta has a rule. I DON’T TALK TO NO ONE WHO AINT WEARING NOTHIN BUT FLIP FLOPS!

      As for you Frosty the SHOW MAN…You need to thumpty thump thump to your nearest Wal-Marts and invest in a bathobe. A nice velour one ought to keep your shrinkage to a minamum and spare the public the traumer of havin to see you streak to the divin board. KEEP them clothes on and no doubt, you will help KEEP TRUSSVILLE BEAUTIFUL!

      Be Blessed!

      Lanetta

  9. Lanetta,
    I am having trouble deciding what to give up for Lent. I am too addicted to the booze and cigarettes to abstain for 40 days and nights. I love to eat and watch porn, so those are out. How can I suffer for our Lord? Any Ideas? What are you giving up for Lent?
    Thanks, Lanetta.
    ReLENTless

  10. Dear ReLentless,

    The only thing I’m is givin up for Lent is HOPE…HOPE that stupid people like you will stop plaggin me with your STUPID questions.

    And what’s this Lent business anyway? The only Lent I know about is the lent under my Lazy Boy and that is where I plan to keep it…that vackcum cleaner is gonna stay in the middle of the living room floor like it always does.

    And as far as sufferin for the Lord, trust Lanetta when she says…you will be suffering for the Lord soon enough at the gates of hell.

    My best advice to you (and all you other idiots out there) is to simplee GIVE UP!

    Be Blessed,

    Lanetta

  11. hey, lanetta….you always sign your comments, “be blessed”, however, your answers seem to have a biting under AND overtone….discuss…..

    • Dear ldythang!1,

      You’s an idiot. How the heck are you gonna judge me, when you aint never even set one of your cheap shoe’s on Lanetta’s Lot B?

      Seems to me, you are the one with the much deeper problem and if I’m guessing right, your “deeper problem” is gonna require AN-TEE-BI-O-TICS.

      STOP BEIN STUPID and STOP BEIN BITTER!

      Start learning to receive Lanetta’s blessings, cause she’s already done learned to accept your dumbness.

      Be Blessed,

      Lanetta

  12. Dear Lanetta,

    My stepson, Hud, and his girlfriend, Kaylee Flagg, are giving me the honor of naming their next child due this summer.

    I would like to name the child something that is significant of today’s national events so we can honor American history.

    I am thinking Rebel Rainbow. Call it Rebel if it is a boy and Rainbow if it is a girl. I think either will go well with the last name.

    What do you think?

    Sincerely,
    Your fan,
    Cindy

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