WWLD…What Would Lanetta Do?

Dear Lanetta,

Last week, my husband surprised me with a trip to Hawaii to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Most people would be thrilled to visit this tropical paradise, but I am mortified. I have never flown before and the thought of getting on an airplane terrifies me. Can you give me some words of advice on how to overcome my fear of flying?

Signed,

Grounded in B’ham

 

Dear Grounded in B’ham,

STOP BEIN STUPID!  Any fool knows that accordin to them experts, flyin is the safest way of travelin and you’d know they were right if you’d ever taken a trip with Lanetta to Panama City Beach in her Dodge LaBaron. There ain’t no air conditioning, there ain’t no rear back window and their ain’t no gas cap. If you don’t die from a bug lodging in your throat at 70 miles and hour then them muffler fumes will finish you off.

But because Lanetta is unselfish and because she herself has flown the friendly skies more than once in her lifetime, she is gonna give you some valuable tips on how to determine if your life is in immediate danger at any point of your flight.

First off, I’m guessin you won’t be flyin first class cause you sound poor, therefore you can count on being stuck somewhere in the back of the plane next to the lavratory or maybe over the wing at best, so don’t plan on no free peanuts from where you will be sittn. Them snooty airline waitresses aint gonna be payin you no mind.

If indeed you are sittin over the wing of the plane, take a look out your window during flight and if you see blue flames shootin out of the engine, then its time to git scared.  You can mash that airline waitress button all you want, but don’t git your hopes up. Those floozies’ are trained to tell you that everything will be ok, but trust Lanetta when she says…you are gonna die.

Another thing to look for when flyin is who you wind up sittin next to. If this person your rubbing shoulders with looks foreign and is sportin a turban on his head, he ain’t American and you have cause for concern…and if you are too stupid to tell whether he is friend or foe, just ask him what church he belongs to. If his response sounds like he’s clearing his throat from a bad sinus infection, you need to go ahead and make peace with your maker. That plane is going down.

One real important thing to know about air travel is that anytime you fly, you are gonna experience some turbulance. This is a fancy way of saying the plane is losing control and you are bein shook around like a rock in an empty soda can. Most times this turbulance mess will subside, but if them oxygen mask drop down during a bad episode of shaking, you can best believe that you ain’t ever gonna see Diamond Head. Suck on them oxygen mask all you want, but you’ve done taken your last breath.

If you’ve been watching your TV news lately, you already know that air travel has presented a new concern for its passengers. Now it seems, if a lightning bolt striking your plane in midair don’t kill you dead, then the captain flying your plane will be glad to do the job.

Accordin to Lanetta’s sources, certain airlines are now allowing crazy people to fly their planes. In light of this new information, I would suggest that when you climb aboard your aircraft, take a quick look into that cockpit. If you see your captain drooling all over the control panels or if he’s swatting at flies that ain’t there, you need to start walking backwards, cause he is bat shit crazy and this will be your one and only chance to escape certain doom and destruction.

Sometimes a passenger will be lucky enough to git a seat in the emergency aisle. If this be the case, you will discover that you may have more leg room, but be rest assured, that air waitress is gonna come over and ask you, to volunteer to open the emergency door and help them other passengers out when the plane crashes.

I would suggest that you say yes to her request. You’ll be glad you did when your plane starts skidding and tumbling down the runway. You can be the first one to jump out of the plane amidst all the flames and ain’t nobody gonna know that you failed to fulfill your duties in the middle of all that twisted metal and carnage?

Now Lanetta is gonna git a bit off topic here in order to issue a dose of tough love.

I am guessin that since you and your hubby are celebrating 50 years of wedding bliss, this would mean you are both fat and ugly by now…however, fat and ugly people usually don’t know they are fat and ugly, so listen to Lanetta…”You are FAT AND UGLY! If you and hubby have any crazy ideas of becoming members of that Mile High Club during your flyin, you’d better think twice. Those high altitude toilets are not equipped to handle fat, ugly people romping like rabbits at 36,000 feet in the air. The only time you need to be concerned about grabbing your ankles in midair is when you are plunging to the earth with only minutes to live.

I do hope my advice has helped ease some of your fears. Remember…whether your plane makes it to Hawiayer or not, as long you are a good Christian woman, you’ll get to see paradise one way or another.

Be Blessed,

Lanetta

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