Dear Lanetta,

How do you feel about Obamacare?

Signed,

ShouldIcare Atall

 

Dear ShouldIcare,

Bein’ an un-insured person myself, Lanetta is glad you brought up this Obamacare mess ‘cause she’s got a lot to say about it.

For starters, if somebody up there in that uppity Washington D. C. sees fit to pay Lanetta’s proctology bill cause she ain’t got no insuaince, then more power to them idiots, ‘cause I’m half-tired of them assy bill collectors callin’ me on my wall phone all hours of the night.

This whole mess started when some doc-n-a-box told me I needed a “PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE colon screening” or as I like to call it, “a colon investigation,” ‘cause up to then, I had never allowed no one to BOLDY GO WHERE NO MAN HAD GONE BEFORE… If you git my drift.

This Dr.  Do Little assured Lanetta that this “PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE colon screening” was to be a simple procedure and would cause only  “slight pain and discomfort.”

Well, Lanetta is here to tell you… If them experts call what I endured “slight pain and discomfort,” then I dare ask them their definition of torment and agony.

I have yet to determine which part of my colon investigation was the most traumatic. The preparation part required to be colon investigated or the actual colon investigative part?

Lanetta will spare her readers the most disgustin’ parts of her story, but the torment started when she was forced to drink some kind of mess in a bottle that tasted like it came from a paint can.

According to Doctor Quack, this so-called concoction was suppose leave Lanetta’s insides as clean as a whistle and she is here to tell you, if her whistle ain’t clean by now, it’ll never pass the white, rubber glove test.

I would bet you my last six-pack that I passed an internal organ or two during that colon cleaning of mine, and to be quite frank, I was too damn weak to even lift my head and look inside that toilet bowl for verification.

The very next morning, I found myself on a steel table, participatin’ in a procedure that involved, a garden hose, some ice cold water and an ugly man in rubber gloves tellin’ Lanetta to hold tight the five quarts of H2O he’d just released inside her person.

Because receiving five quarts of water inside one’s person is highly unpleasant, I think next time I’ll just hand over my Texaco card, grab my ankles and tell them to fill her up, so we can all save some time and trouble.

PEOPLE!  If this is what you call PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE Medicine, then Lanetta’s “PRE-VEN-I-TIVE” days is over. Hell… I ain’t so much as gonna try to prevent a forest fire.

If you idiot doctors think for one second Lanetta is gonna endure all that pain and humiliation and then turn around and pay for it out of her own pocket… YOU ARE EXTRA DUMB! I told you people I didn’t have no insurance when I signed up at the afflicted proctology counter, so what exactly are you expectin Lanetta to do… give up a kidney or two?

Even If I could afford to pay them butt bills, I wouldn’t, cause first off, I’d buy a real nice hot tub, and then next, I’d probably pay off Momma’s back rent at the nursing home, cause she’s tired of not havin’ a roof over her head.

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!

Because I know what it’s like having to roll pennies in order to purchase my hormonal patch, Lanetta supports Obamacare.

Because I know what its like to have to choose between a box of suppositories or a box of wine at the Wal-Mart’s, Lanetta supports Obamacare.

And because I know what it means to have to ignore those suspicious rashes that appear every time I go out with Billy Wayne Suggs, Lanetta supports Obamacare.

Though this President Obama ain’t a real president seeing that he was born in Haiwaiyer and holds a fake birth certificate, Lanetta still wants to thank him for creating a future where people like her can sit around all day long in the privacy of their trailers, doing absolutely nothing and still be guaranteed their government insurance plan.

I pride myself in being “colored” blind when it comes to people who ain’t white… especially when they’re giving me free insurance.  Therefore, I ain’t gonna worry no more about this not-white president living in our White House with that black woman.

So now when Lanetta goes to bed each night, she gets a warm fuzzy feeling deep down inside knowing that a powerful black man is ensuring that her hiney-hoo is getting’ the proper attention it deserves. While he is up there on the top conducting his business, he sure seems to know exactly what he’s doin’.

Be Blessed,

Lanetta

 

Dear Lanetta,

Do you think it’s inappropriate for a 72-year-old grandmother of two to wear a two-piece bathing suit?

My friends seem to think so and insist that I can no longer join them at the community pool until I cover up. What do you think, Lanetta?

Signed,

Going Two Pieces

 

Dear Going Two Pieces,

Lawd Mercy! That idiot David Hasselhoff needs to run down your beach and slap you silly with his flotation device, cause you are drownin’ in a sea of DUMB!

You done already made Lanetta’s eyes burn, so for humanity’s sake, she is gonna share some advice!

When considerin whether one can pull off wearing a bikini or not, I use the following criteria:

 

1) If the Depends Diapers you’re sporting underneath those skimpy bottoms of yours is receiving more compliments than your tacky two-piece, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.

2) If you go to unloosen one of your bathing suit strings, but pull out your insulin pump instead, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.

3) If you can clip your toenails and give yourself a Brazilian all at the same time, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.

STOP BEIN’ STUPID! Nobody wants a PANTY-ramic view of your GRAND(ma) Canyon or your National Forest. It’s enough to make Lanetta wanna stop travelin’.

Just, please, SHUT UP and COVER UP!

 

Be Blessed,

Lanetta

 

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