STOP ALL THIS MONKEY BUSINESS!
Fans…Lanetta is a little hot under her house coat at the moment and its not cause of them hot flashes she’s been experiencin as of late. Her hormone patch is workin just fine.
Seems Lanetta’s Gorilla Blawg entry was a big ole waste of her time, cause them idiot news reporters are now reportin that yesterday’s alleged gorilla sightin was reported by ” A CHILD” who’s no doubt been chewin on a lead painted window seal the better part of his life, since he aint got the good sense to know if it was a gorilla he spotted in the woods or not.
Lanetta has also learned that some other fool idiot verified this gorilla sightin, but now says, it might have been a bear he spotted instead.
Did you stupid people never take the time to thumb through a National Gegraphics to learn the difference between a gorilla and a bear? Hell…even Lanetta can decipher which is which and she ain’t ever seen the insides of a National Gegraphicss…except that time Skeeter Beleau made her look at that nakid African people issue, cause he ain’t never seen no one nakid before and wanted me to verify that what he was seeing was accurate.
LISTEN UP FOLKS…we are in crisis mode here! Lanetta thinks its time we pour our tax dollars into some animal identification classes for stupid people. Them highways and schools can wait, cause Lanetta done strained her back last night when she pushed her couch up against the trailer door in hopes of discouraging gorilla entry.
All I got’s to say is…them Hale County people better hope that Lanetta don’t file no law suit for undo gorilla stress and injury, cause anyone of them judges that commercialize on the TV would be more than happy to represent her person in a court of law…and they won’t even take no money unless I win my gorilla case.
Folks…Lanetta ain’t just whistlin Dixie. I got a drawer full of neck braces and collapsable canes and you’d better believe me…this won’t be Lanetta’s first time relyin on the court systems for some justice and money. How else do you idiots think Lanetta afforded that bove ground pool behind her trailer? Speakin of which, its about time I had a good rear endin in the Chrysler, cause Lanetta needs to add some deckin around that bove ground pool.
Anyhoo…I want everybody to stop what they’s doin right this very minute and go fetch your Funk and Wagnor dictionary. Once you done got the correct resources, I want you to look in your G’s for GORILLA…then I want you to look in your B’s for BEAR and then I want you to…STOP BEIN STUPID! This ain’t rocket science people!
WRITE IT DOWN! If that animal’s got a banana in his mouth, its most likely a GORILLA. If he’s got a trout in his mouth, it’s most likely a BEAR.
But be A-ware dumb people. When conductin your research, best stick to the Funk and Wagnor books, cause when Lanetta tried to use her computer machine and went to Google’n the BEAR word…LAWD! She had a sightin of her own that she won’t soon forgit. No wonder we’s all confused about our sightins.
Listen up folks…Lanetta don’t know how much more of this gorilla mess she can take. She’s down in the back, has a plaid couch blockin her front door and is trapped inside her trailer…all because of some dumb monkey that never did exist in the first place.
I guess all you Hale County people will think twice before you go to “CRYIN GORILLA” next time, cause this weeks imaginary gorilla’s gonna cost you big.
Now…if you will kindly excuse Lanetta, she is going to take her a couple of buffrin’s, plug in her heatin pad and then call her a TV lawyer, cause she ain’t monkey’in around.