HALE….IT’S A GORILLA ON THE LOOSE!
So last night, Lanetta’s sittin there in her Lazy-Boy chair, chasing a cold one when she hears some idiot anchor woman on the TV6 news announce that the Hale County Sheriff’s Office was searchin for at least “ONE” Gorilla on the loose and had no idea which direction it was headed. Then the next thing that comes out of that stupid TV reporter’s mouth was something about stayin tuned to learn if brocoli makes you smarter.
Did that dummy anchor women really just jump from an escaped gorilla announcement to broccoli talk?
Now I ask you…at that time and moment, what was Lanetta s’pose to do with this gorilla on the loose information? Was she s’pose to just sit there in her recliner,munchin on a bunch of broccoli, hopin its nutritional benefits would give her the good sense to know what to do when faced with an escaped monkey?
As my readers know, not much in this world scares Lanetta Tapscott, but she might have to make an exception to the rule when it comes to Gorilla’s runnin A-muck in her neck of the woods. It was bad enough when Leroy Sims let his pit bull run crazy in Lanetta’s trailer park, but I’m thinkin a Gorilla on the run might create somewhat more of disturbance, than did Lucifer the pit bull.
I don’t exactly know where this afflicted Hale County, Alabama is located in relations to Lanetta’s front doorstep and I know even less about the behaviors and habits of a stupid, stanky gorilla, but accordin to them Tarzan movies, they can cover quite a lot of territory when swinging vine to vine which causes her a considerable amount of concern.
Thus far, the worst thing I’ve had to worry about is some prevert breaking down my front door and doin Lawd only knows what to Lanetta’s person. But just when she thinks it can’t git no worse, a missin gorilla has to go and be thrown into the equation.
Folks, I have no intention of bein victimized by some stupid, hairy ape. If this were the case, I’d still be datin that idiot Buford Tubbs…now if you wanna talk about somebody who ain’t learned yet to walk upright. LAWD!
Anyhoo…Lanetta has created a laundry list of questions for them leaders of Hale County, Alabama concerning this entire primate problem and expects some answers…PRONTOE!
Firstly…WHY the hell was Hale County, lodging a Gorilla?
Secondly…HOW the hell did Hale County mangae to lose a Gorilla?
Thirdly…IS Hale County GONNA pay for any damages this hateful Gorilla might inflict upon Lanetta’s property?
Fourthly…WILL ANTI-FREEZE do to a Gorilla what it did to Leroy Sim’s Pit Bull?
Fifthly…DID Lanetta hear correctly on her TV that AT LEAST ON GORILLA WAS MISSIN? How many dang gorillas do you got?
AND Sixthly…DOES eatin brocilli truly make you smarter…cause if it does, Lanetta is thinkin she might need to purchase a big ole crate of the stuff and have IT delivered STAT to the idiot person in Hale County, Alabama that can’t seem to keep up with a 600 pound gorilla.
PEOPLE…Lanetta encourages all of you right this very minute to stop what you’re doin and bolt them doors and lock them windows, cause unless you have a stockpile of bananas and consider yourself one of them gorilla whisperers you might want to grab your TV guide and find you a LAW & Order marathon to occupy your time until this Gorilla situation has done passed over.
And one final word to Hale County, Alabama. STOP BEIN STUPID! If you can’t keep tabs on a 600 pound gorilla, perhaps you need to consider trade’n in that monkey for a box of Sea Monkeys instead!