Last week, my husband surprised me with a trip to Hawaii to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Most people would be thrilled to visit this tropical paradise, but I am mortified. I have never flown before and the thought of getting on an airplane terrifies me. Can you give me some words of advice on how to overcome my fear of flying?
Grounded in B’ham
Dear Grounded in B’ham,
STOP BEIN STUPID! Any fool knows that accordin to them experts, flyin is the safest way of travelin and you’d know they were right if you’d ever taken a trip with Lanetta to Panama City Beach in her Dodge LaBaron. There ain’t no air conditioning, there ain’t no rear back window and their ain’t no gas cap. If you don’t die from a bug lodging in your throat at 70 miles and hour then them muffler fumes will finish you off.
But because Lanetta is unselfish and because she herself has flown the friendly skies more than once in her lifetime, she is gonna give you some valuable tips on how to determine if your life is in immediate danger at any point of your flight.
First off, I’m guessin you won’t be flyin first class cause you sound poor, therefore you can count on being stuck somewhere in the back of the plane next to the lavratory or maybe over the wing at best, so don’t plan on no free peanuts from where you will be sittn. Them snooty airline waitresses aint gonna be payin you no mind.
If indeed you are sittin over the wing of the plane, take a look out your window during flight and if you see blue flames shootin out of the engine, then its time to git scared. You can mash that airline waitress button all you want, but don’t git your hopes up. Those floozies’ are trained to tell you that everything will be ok, but trust Lanetta when she says…you are gonna die.
Another thing to look for when flyin is who you wind up sittin next to. If this person your rubbing shoulders with looks foreign and is sportin a turban on his head, he ain’t American and you have cause for concern…and if you are too stupid to tell whether he is friend or foe, just ask him what church he belongs to. If his response sounds like he’s clearing his throat from a bad sinus infection, you need to go ahead and make peace with your maker. That plane is going down.
One real important thing to know about air travel is that anytime you fly, you are gonna experience some turbulance. This is a fancy way of saying the plane is losing control and you are bein shook around like a rock in an empty soda can. Most times this turbulance mess will subside, but if them oxygen mask drop down during a bad episode of shaking, you can best believe that you ain’t ever gonna see Diamond Head. Suck on them oxygen mask all you want, but you’ve done taken your last breath.
If you’ve been watching your TV news lately, you already know that air travel has presented a new concern for its passengers. Now it seems, if a lightning bolt striking your plane in midair don’t kill you dead, then the captain flying your plane will be glad to do the job.
Accordin to Lanetta’s sources, certain airlines are now allowing crazy people to fly their planes. In light of this new information, I would suggest that when you climb aboard your aircraft, take a quick look into that cockpit. If you see your captain drooling all over the control panels or if he’s swatting at flies that ain’t there, you need to start walking backwards, cause he is bat shit crazy and this will be your one and only chance to escape certain doom and destruction.
Sometimes a passenger will be lucky enough to git a seat in the emergency aisle. If this be the case, you will discover that you may have more leg room, but be rest assured, that air waitress is gonna come over and ask you, to volunteer to open the emergency door and help them other passengers out when the plane crashes.
I would suggest that you say yes to her request. You’ll be glad you did when your plane starts skidding and tumbling down the runway. You can be the first one to jump out of the plane amidst all the flames and ain’t nobody gonna know that you failed to fulfill your duties in the middle of all that twisted metal and carnage?
Now Lanetta is gonna git a bit off topic here in order to issue a dose of tough love.
I am guessin that since you and your hubby are celebrating 50 years of wedding bliss, this would mean you are both fat and ugly by now…however, fat and ugly people usually don’t know they are fat and ugly, so listen to Lanetta…”You are FAT AND UGLY! If you and hubby have any crazy ideas of becoming members of that Mile High Club during your flyin, you’d better think twice. Those high altitude toilets are not equipped to handle fat, ugly people romping like rabbits at 36,000 feet in the air. The only time you need to be concerned about grabbing your ankles in midair is when you are plunging to the earth with only minutes to live.
I do hope my advice has helped ease some of your fears. Remember…whether your plane makes it to Hawiayer or not, as long you are a good Christian woman, you’ll get to see paradise one way or another.
“Saw on that River Monsters TV show last night that a catfish can swallow a person whole. Kinda makes me not want to order the “Catfish Platter” down at the Red Lobster no more.”
“My cousin Earl Wayne thought he was stealing my smoking patches. He snatched my hormone patches instead. He look’s stupid in that training bra.”
“I once thought about bein a stripper down there at the SHOW and TAIL strip club, but I kept gettin pole burns durin my audition…never could learn to hang upside down neither.” That’s when I decided to start cleaning people’s houses nakid. It was a real good job until that one man locked me in his basement.”
How do you feel about Obamacare?
Bein’ an un-insured person myself, Lanetta is glad you brought up this Obamacare mess ‘cause she’s got a lot to say about it.
For starters, if somebody up there in that uppity Washington D. C. sees fit to pay Lanetta’s proctology bill cause she ain’t got no insuaince, then more power to them idiots, ‘cause I’m half-tired of them assy bill collectors callin’ me on my wall phone all hours of the night.
This whole mess started when some doc-n-a-box told me I needed a “PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE colon screening” or as I like to call it, “a colon investigation,” ‘cause up to then, I had never allowed no one to BOLDY GO WHERE NO MAN HAD GONE BEFORE… If you git my drift.
This Dr. Do Little assured Lanetta that this “PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE colon screening” was to be a simple procedure and would cause only “slight pain and discomfort.”
Well, Lanetta is here to tell you… If them experts call what I endured “slight pain and discomfort,” then I dare ask them their definition of torment and agony.
I have yet to determine which part of my colon investigation was the most traumatic. The preparation part required to be colon investigated or the actual colon investigative part?
Lanetta will spare her readers the most disgustin’ parts of her story, but the torment started when she was forced to drink some kind of mess in a bottle that tasted like it came from a paint can.
According to Doctor Quack, this so-called concoction was suppose leave Lanetta’s insides as clean as a whistle and she is here to tell you, if her whistle ain’t clean by now, it’ll never pass the white, rubber glove test.
I would bet you my last six-pack that I passed an internal organ or two during that colon cleaning of mine, and to be quite frank, I was too damn weak to even lift my head and look inside that toilet bowl for verification.
The very next morning, I found myself on a steel table, participatin’ in a procedure that involved, a garden hose, some ice cold water and an ugly man in rubber gloves tellin’ Lanetta to hold tight the five quarts of H2O he’d just released inside her person.
Because receiving five quarts of water inside one’s person is highly unpleasant, I think next time I’ll just hand over my Texaco card, grab my ankles and tell them to fill her up, so we can all save some time and trouble.
PEOPLE! If this is what you call PRE-VEN-TI-TIVE Medicine, then Lanetta’s “PRE-VEN-I-TIVE” days is over. Hell… I ain’t so much as gonna try to prevent a forest fire.
If you idiot doctors think for one second Lanetta is gonna endure all that pain and humiliation and then turn around and pay for it out of her own pocket… YOU ARE EXTRA DUMB! I told you people I didn’t have no insurance when I signed up at the afflicted proctology counter, so what exactly are you expectin Lanetta to do… give up a kidney or two?
Even If I could afford to pay them butt bills, I wouldn’t, cause first off, I’d buy a real nice hot tub, and then next, I’d probably pay off Momma’s back rent at the nursing home, cause she’s tired of not havin’ a roof over her head.
LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!
Because I know what it’s like having to roll pennies in order to purchase my hormonal patch, Lanetta supports Obamacare.
Because I know what its like to have to choose between a box of suppositories or a box of wine at the Wal-Mart’s, Lanetta supports Obamacare.
And because I know what it means to have to ignore those suspicious rashes that appear every time I go out with Billy Wayne Suggs, Lanetta supports Obamacare.
Though this President Obama ain’t a real president seeing that he was born in Haiwaiyer and holds a fake birth certificate, Lanetta still wants to thank him for creating a future where people like her can sit around all day long in the privacy of their trailers, doing absolutely nothing and still be guaranteed their government insurance plan.
I pride myself in being “colored” blind when it comes to people who ain’t white… especially when they’re giving me free insurance. Therefore, I ain’t gonna worry no more about this not-white president living in our White House with that black woman.
So now when Lanetta goes to bed each night, she gets a warm fuzzy feeling deep down inside knowing that a powerful black man is ensuring that her hiney-hoo is getting’ the proper attention it deserves. While he is up there on the top conducting his business, he sure seems to know exactly what he’s doin’.
Do you think it’s inappropriate for a 72-year-old grandmother of two to wear a two-piece bathing suit?
My friends seem to think so and insist that I can no longer join them at the community pool until I cover up. What do you think, Lanetta?
Going Two Pieces
Dear Going Two Pieces,
Lawd Mercy! That idiot David Hasselhoff needs to run down your beach and slap you silly with his flotation device, cause you are drownin’ in a sea of DUMB!
You done already made Lanetta’s eyes burn, so for humanity’s sake, she is gonna share some advice!
When considerin whether one can pull off wearing a bikini or not, I use the following criteria:
1) If the Depends Diapers you’re sporting underneath those skimpy bottoms of yours is receiving more compliments than your tacky two-piece, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.
2) If you go to unloosen one of your bathing suit strings, but pull out your insulin pump instead, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.
3) If you can clip your toenails and give yourself a Brazilian all at the same time, you ought not be wearin’ a bikini.
STOP BEIN’ STUPID! Nobody wants a PANTY-ramic view of your GRAND(ma) Canyon or your National Forest. It’s enough to make Lanetta wanna stop travelin’.
Just, please, SHUT UP and COVER UP!
In my latest viral blawg, you will hear me discussin the dangers of Pinto Beans and the damage they can inflict apon your person. Click on the link below and find out just why you should be afraid of the Pinto Bean – Be Blessed…Lanetta
“He’s gotta be gay, cause he wears that scented deodorant and drives over to Atlanta a considerable amount.”
“I slapped her first, then told her she’d done pissed me off.”
“I slapped her first, then told her she’d done pissed me off”
LANETTA’S WORDS OF WISDOM
“If I wanted to be yelled at from the pulpit, I’d stay home and let that Joyce Meyer woman scream at me on the Church TV…but I usually find a Tarzan movie to watch instead, so it don’t really matter.”